martes, mayo 24, 2005

First Day Tidbits

Yes, you're reading the date right. It's only May and yet, classes have started in De La Salle University-Manila. So while everybody else is still sunbathing on the beach or staying lazily at home, it's back to school for Lasallians. I've decided to give you a glimpse of some thoughts I had in my first few days in school...


***

Don't judge a book by its cover.

It was one of my accounting classes when I was surprised to see who entered in our classroom and went to the middle of the platform. He was a lean guy with almost unruly long hair (almost since he had at least a ponytail). He was wearing a checkered polo shirt about three times his right size and a pair of blue jeans. He gave a flashy smile as he entered the classroom and asked everybody to stand for prayers.

No, he can't be the professor for this class, I told myself. He resembled someone who would typically fix your broken computer at home. All he needed was a screwdriver in his right hand and voila! You could go on saying, "Manong nagka virus po. Can you fix it?" No wonder we heard some giggles when he actually told the class that he actually dreamt of being a computer engineer before.

When I thought that having a professor like him was a surprise enough for all of us, I was wrong. While introducing himself, he gave his credentials and by golly, we were totally surprised. He was Mr. CPA with all the acronyms that you can think of following his name (e.g. Samuel Santos, CPA, CMA, CISA, CFA, etc. etc.). In other words, he is very much qualified to teach this subject since he has passed many internationally recognized exams not to mention that these exams are quite notorious for their very low passing rates. Moreover, we were also awed at the fact that he worked for the top companies in the Philippines. First, he was with SGV, the largest auditing firm in the country and after a successful stint transferred to SMART Telecoms, the largest mobile telecommuncations provider in the country. He gave a rough description of the subject and it actually sounded like he knew what he was talking about.

It all boils down to this. Don't judge a book by its cover. There is more to a person than his or her outside appearance. However, another thought comes to mind. Image is also important. One may be the most qualified person to talk about a certain subject but his or her looks may tell otherwise. No wonder business suits were invented.

***

Good things, when short, are twice as good.
-Gracian-

A lecture in 30 minutes? It has never been done before and it was just done a while ago in my strategic management class. According to some of my seatmates who had this professor during the previous term, the professor would consistently lecture for a few minutes and leave the rest of the time for students to do whatever they want.

Yet those 30 minutes were worth my while (and my parents' money as well) since I was able to get a good understanding of the topic. Brief but full of important details. During the entire thirty minutes, my attention was focused on the professor. It was just enough to keep my attention going because probably, after those thirty minutes, the professor's words would turn into unidentifiable babbles while I busily scribble some stick figures in my notebook to ease my boredom.

Researches show that the average attention span of young adults and teenagers is 13-14 minutes. Imagine!!! Of course, that's only the average and I strongly believe that mine is above the average.

Thus, the length of one's lecture does not measure how much one learns in a subject. In fact, what is the value of one's lecture when nobody listens or people are only pretending to listen but really can't absorb anything?

Same thing applies to life. We feel that we need to do a lot of things and yet when we take a second look, the essentials are only a few. Sometimes, when these things pile up, we end up not accomplishing anything at all. Perhaps, we must concentrate on these essentials and life would not be so complicated as it seems.
***

domingo, mayo 22, 2005

The Real ME

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
-Reflections from Mulan-
Last Saturday, May 21, our group, the De La Salle University Pops Orchestra performed at Malabon City in celebration of its 406th year. It was a big event and the concert was a success. After the concert, we were given something to eat. During this time, I was with an alumna of Pops. She has been a good friend for quite some time so it was normal for her to share some stories with me. After all, we haven't seen each other for quite some time. Well, she's a lesbian and openly admits to be one. I have nothing against this since I believe that one's biological appearance should not limit one's sexual orientation. After all, love knows no gender.


However, what bothers me is that everytime she would share something about her relationships, she would expect me to share something in return. In other words, she thinks that I'm not straight and that I'm just hiding my true self from her and from everybody else. Everytime she would do this, I just keep my silence and try to change the topic. Probably, she thinks that this is a sign of guilt- that I am in fact what she thinks I am and I just don't have the courage to tell her or anybody.


If only she knew the reason why I always try to evade the issue. I do this simply because it only reminds me of the painful things that happened in the past. Wounds that have not yet healed. The healing process is always hampered by new wounds - more insensitive jokes, gossips, and other acts of discrimination. What's worse, she has been a part of this painful experience.


When I was a new member in the orchestra, I was quite positive about my stay in the organization thinking that this will open many opportunities for me to learn and harness my craft. Yet, I had my fears. I was (and I am still) effeminate and I feel that people would not understand that in order for one to be man, one need not be a basketball addict or say pare, chong, and curses instead of "I love shopping!." This was the reason why I was very quiet during my first year of stay in the group. In spite of this, I already felt the discrimination early on. Whenever we had rehearsals, I would see my fellow vocalists (inclduing this pop alumna) whispering to each other while looking at me. Afterwards, they would giggle. They laugh at the fact that I have my own pack of Kleenex tissues and that I have a pack of oil clear sheets. They gossip at why I am not so girl crazy and shout CHICKS! whenever a group of beautiful girls would pass by. The feeling was horrible. I would go home and cry in the shower. I felt that I wasn't accepted and that winning their respect was a distant dream. I really intended to leave the group the following school year. However, what made me decide to stay was my love for music. I knew that I was not sacrificing my passion for music just to avoid them. Moreso, I had no intentions to change myself just to fit to their standards.


After 2 more years of stay in the organization, I have always thought that I have won the respect of the members. I was able to show them that I truly have talent and that I deserve to stay in the organization. Soon, this pop alumna became my friend. We would hang out together and would even exchange jokes. I thought that everything was over. I was wrong.


It seems that my effeminacy is a lifelong curse. People will judge me easily for the way I speak and for my actions as well. I can't blame them. Despite the fact that we are in the new millenium, we still live in a society of stereotypes. Men should be like this while women should be like that. Everyone must be boxed by this standard lest they face rejection and discrimination. I am straight but I feel that same way as gays and lesbians do. I experience the same painful and humiliating experiences. I experience the same discrimination and rejection.


In spite of this, I am not willing to change to fit society's mold. By being in touch with my feminine side, I get the best of both worlds. Through my humiliating experiences, I show more compassion to gays and lesbians since I know what they feel when people ridicule or judge them. Just like the yin and yang, there is harmony in the combination of two extremes. After all, God himself has no gender and we are all created in His image. Thus, man, like God, can't be defined or limited by human descriptions. This is the real ME and I would like people to accept me for
who I really am.


I am Jigs. Straight but in touch with my femine side. I'm not asking you to completely understand me. All I'm asking for is some respect. Stop the insensitive jokes and giggles and start knowing the real me. Perhaps, next time, I must tell her all this. Hopefully then, these wounds will start to heal.

miércoles, mayo 18, 2005

What's in Store For Me

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between
the notes and curl my back to loneliness.
- Maya Angelou
Just a few days ago, I got an audio CD copy of our major concert last March 12, 2005. Being the perfectionist that I am, I listened to every song that I sang and took note of every note. I was glad that I was able to get most of them right! However, of all the songs I sang in the concert (and I can also proudly say that of all the songs I heard on the CD), I would have to say that the best for me was my duet with Cathy. We sang Kyla and Gary V.'s version of Sana Maulit Muli. Though my other songs sounded ok, this song was different because everytime I would listen to it, I usually have the chills and goosebumps. The song was heartfelt and our interpretation emphasized the strong emotions portrayed in the song. It was as if the song was our story. Perhaps, this quote would be appropriate to what I felt about this song:

Music is the divine way to tell beautiful, poetic things
to the heart.
- Pablo Casals

Upon hearing the song, I texted Cathy at once and thanked her because I believe that the song wouldn't have been successful without her angelic voice. After "flattering" each other through text, I told her about my feelings whenever I hear the song. I told her about my constant desire to sing and be on stage. Whenever I get on stage, hit the notes, and hear the applause of the crowd, I always get this unexplainable feeling of joy. There isn't a day that would pass where I wasn't able to hum a tune. Even a bad cold or a sore throat can't stop me. I even sing when I cry. Singing has become my passion and obsession. And yet, I'm confused. Soon I will be graduating and a few months after that, I will be taking the board exams. Though I know that I have a good chance of getting a good and well-paying job after graduation, I'm not quite sure if I will feel the same sense of fulfillment in that work as the one I feel everytime I sing. Now, I'm so confused. After sharing this with her, she sent me this text message:

"Did you know that when we go to heaven, all we are left to do there is to worship God in different ways. Satin siyempre through singing. Malay mo God has instored for you a special place in heaven which is to lead other Christians in worship. Earth is just a training ground for eternity. All we have to do is to think BIG. Jigs, God, sees your heart. He knows your desires because he was the one who put that desire in you. Seek him and slowly, in time, He'll reveal to you His purpose. Baka nga music."


That text message almost left me in tears. That moment, God spoke to me and Cathy was His instrument. Yes, that message gave me the answer or at least gave me a clue on the question that has bothered me for quite some time. God is the source of this desire and I know that in due time, I will find his real purpose for me. Everything shall happen in His time. In the meantime, I am determined to finish my studies and to pass the board exams after which I plan to explore if I can establish a singing career. If it works then well and good. If it doesn't then I will accept it and explore my other capabilities. For now, I am doing my best in my studies and I also allot a certain time each day to rehearse. After all, it is only right that I develop this God-given talent.
Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have
hear below.
- Joseph Addison