Look at meYou may think you see who I really amBut you'll never know me-Reflections from Mulan-
Last Saturday, May 21, our group, the De La Salle University Pops Orchestra performed at Malabon City in celebration of its 406th year. It was a big event and the concert was a success. After the concert, we were given something to eat. During this time, I was with an alumna of Pops. She has been a good friend for quite some time so it was normal for her to share some stories with me. After all, we haven't seen each other for quite some time. Well, she's a lesbian and openly admits to be one. I have nothing against this since I believe that one's biological appearance should not limit one's sexual orientation. After all, love knows no gender.
However, what bothers me is that everytime she would share something about her relationships, she would expect me to share something in return. In other words, she thinks that I'm not straight and that I'm just hiding my true self from her and from everybody else. Everytime she would do this, I just keep my silence and try to change the topic. Probably, she thinks that this is a sign of guilt- that I am in fact what she thinks I am and I just don't have the courage to tell her or anybody.
If only she knew the reason why I always try to evade the issue. I do this simply because it only reminds me of the painful things that happened in the past. Wounds that have not yet healed. The healing process is always hampered by new wounds - more insensitive jokes, gossips, and other acts of discrimination. What's worse, she has been a part of this painful experience.
When I was a new member in the orchestra, I was quite positive about my stay in the organization thinking that this will open many opportunities for me to learn and harness my craft. Yet, I had my fears. I was (and I am still) effeminate and I feel that people would not understand that in order for one to be man, one need not be a basketball addict or say pare, chong, and curses instead of "I love shopping!." This was the reason why I was very quiet during my first year of stay in the group. In spite of this, I already felt the discrimination early on. Whenever we had rehearsals, I would see my fellow vocalists (inclduing this pop alumna) whispering to each other while looking at me. Afterwards, they would giggle. They laugh at the fact that I have my own pack of Kleenex tissues and that I have a pack of oil clear sheets. They gossip at why I am not so girl crazy and shout CHICKS! whenever a group of beautiful girls would pass by. The feeling was horrible. I would go home and cry in the shower. I felt that I wasn't accepted and that winning their respect was a distant dream. I really intended to leave the group the following school year. However, what made me decide to stay was my love for music. I knew that I was not sacrificing my passion for music just to avoid them. Moreso, I had no intentions to change myself just to fit to their standards.
After 2 more years of stay in the organization, I have always thought that I have won the respect of the members. I was able to show them that I truly have talent and that I deserve to stay in the organization. Soon, this pop alumna became my friend. We would hang out together and would even exchange jokes. I thought that everything was over. I was wrong.
It seems that my effeminacy is a lifelong curse. People will judge me easily for the way I speak and for my actions as well. I can't blame them. Despite the fact that we are in the new millenium, we still live in a society of stereotypes. Men should be like this while women should be like that. Everyone must be boxed by this standard lest they face rejection and discrimination. I am straight but I feel that same way as gays and lesbians do. I experience the same painful and humiliating experiences. I experience the same discrimination and rejection.
In spite of this, I am not willing to change to fit society's mold. By being in touch with my feminine side, I get the best of both worlds. Through my humiliating experiences, I show more compassion to gays and lesbians since I know what they feel when people ridicule or judge them. Just like the yin and yang, there is harmony in the combination of two extremes. After all, God himself has no gender and we are all created in His image. Thus, man, like God, can't be defined or limited by human descriptions. This is the real ME and I would like people to accept me for
who I really am.
I am Jigs. Straight but in touch with my femine side. I'm not asking you to completely understand me. All I'm asking for is some respect. Stop the insensitive jokes and giggles and start knowing the real me. Perhaps, next time, I must tell her all this. Hopefully then, these wounds will start to heal.
2 Comments:
ok, i'll try to make this sensible. tutal first comment mo to haha saka first comment ko din to. ok? ok.
teehee!
(sorry di napigilan)
pero totoo. lamo, nako. natatawa nalang ako sa kanila. baket? e kasi kung ano ano iniisip nila about you, e hindi naman totoo. ayan, namiss nila tuloy ang blessing that is you.
aber, sino mga nagiimbento ng stories jan. upakan na ba natin? aba! ako lang ang may karapatang tumawag ng bading sayo. dba? :)
joke lang pero wag kang maiinis sakin pag binibiro kita nun. :)))
kasi..
ang totoo, isa ikaw sa pinaka-manly man, hunky-hunk, gentleman, (boytoy!) na nakilala ko. at kung hindi nila yun narealize? duh! e sorry nalang sila. sila naman nagkakasala. hayaan mo nalang sila.
saka i admire the fact na kahit gano ka pangit nila ikaw i-treat, you still treat them well. so..
wala naman talaga palang prob sayo, sa identity mo, chuva. ang may problema e sila. :)
(o ha! baka sabihin mo lagi kitang nilolokong bading. pero hmf! lambing lang yun. naks! HAHHAAHAHAH!)
natatawa ako habang nagsusulat. dapat serious to e. pero, mashado ka ng sad e. ok na din to para matuwa ka naman. nyahahahaha.
sige yun nalang. wala ng sense to e. :)
God bless!
I just wanted to say that I really appreciate your honesty and your very personal perspective about your life and how others treat you. Best of luck with your ongoing fight against stereotypes.
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