Reflections Over Tea

A Tribute To An Angel

2007-10-04T09:15:00.000+08:00

Better that the light cloud should fade away into heaven with the morning breath, than travail through the weary day to gather in darkness, and in storm. - Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytoon, 1st Baron Lytton

On October 2, 2007, a few minutes past ten, our angel was taken away from us. His name is Aiden, my youngest cousin. Remembering how this child used to play around and entertain us all during family gatherings, his death felt surreal.

Almost two weeks ago, we got news from Manila on Aiden's freak accident. He was running after his kuya when he suddenly stumbled. His tongue got the first hit. He was immediately rushed to the hospital. Due to the sensitivity of body area affected during the accident, he was confined at the hospital's Intensive Care Unit. All the while, we thought he was going to do fine as the boy was showing progress and responding well with the medication.

Thus, we were surprised when we got a call from Manila a week ago. It was twelve midnight here in Calgary when my crying aunt gave me the bad news. Aiden was only given twenty four more hours to live. We were shocked and devastated. We simply could not believe that this was happening...

...Aiden is the kid who can easily compete with the Energizer bunny. He simply doesn't run out of energy. It was always a challenge to look after him and yet a pleasure to do so. For one, he is the ultimate entertainer. While most kids would be forced by their parents to perform, Aiden dances and sings with gusto the moment you ask him to. He can effortlessly do impersonations of Mr. Bean or even the Undertaker - of course complete with eyes twitching. His talent in impersonating comes from his very observant nature. He is also a fast learner and we were all expecting him to do well once he starts school. More than anything else, Aiden is the most cariñoso of all my cousins. While the rest would be told to "O kiss tito and tita first," he would hug and kiss you the moment you stepped in the house and you would feel the warmth and sincerity of his actions....

Apparently, Aiden's accident affected his brain and subsequently his other organs. To even make matters worse, we found out that he had a congenital condition as his skull wasn't fully developed. Slowly, he lost consciousness. Then, we knew that he would only be with us for a few days. It was painful not to be able to bid him goodbye. However, I felt at peace knowing that all our relatives back in Manila have showered their support and love as they all watched over him in his last few days.

Even the nurses and hospital staff were smitten by his charm. When he was still conscious, he told the nurses how pretty they were. ¡Mi primo es un adulador! He also told them to serve his favorite chocolate ice cream once he gets well. They would always drop by his room to clean him up and to make sure that he was comfortable.

Though the doctor told us that he was only given twenty four more hours to live, he lasted for a few more days. On his last night, it was my uncle's birthday. Supper was prepared and Aiden wasn't left out. They set aside some pancit and his favorite chocolate ice cream on his side. Though his heartbeat had been slowing down for the past few days, it suddenly throbbed faster. He wasn't leaving us until he got his wish.

On October 2, 2007, a few minutes past ten, Aiden died peacefully. It was the feast of angels.
Thank you for sharing yourself to us, Aiden. You will be sorely missed but it sure is good to know that we have one more angel above guarding over us. 'Til we meet again.

Think of your child; then, not as dead, but as living; not as a flower that has withered, but as one that is transplanted, and touched by a divine hand, is blooming in richer colors and sweeter shades than those on earth. - Richard Hooker

Last Day In Manila

2007-08-07T21:07:00.000+08:00

I wrote this entry as I was on the plane going to Canada. With all the hassle of moving and adapting to a new country, I was only able to finish and upload it now. By the way, please check out http://lettersfromcanada.blogspot.com very soon as I will be sharing my new life here in Canada.

Thousands of feet above the Pacific while writing this entry, I could not still believe that we will start life anew in another country. To me, it still feels like a vacation – getting to see different places, meeting new people, taking lots of photos – with that feeling of enthusiasm to go back home after the trip to share your variety of experiences to family and friends.

I guess we won’t be seeing Manila for a while. Basked in a sad grey as we left, our last day was a bit funny and strange. As we were about to leave, the floods were all over the streets of Makati. It was just good that the vehicles we used (yup, vehicles as we brought with us a lot of things which lead me to something I will share later) were high enough as the normal sedans parked along the streets had their wheels completely submerged in the murky waters.

While on our way to the airport, we were surprised to see a floating inflatable kiddie pool in the middle of the road. Then we saw three men inside raising their hands up with a bottle of beer in each hand – excitedly shouting as our car passed by and created a strong wave. This was just one of the few things that will make our last day quite strange.

As we arrived in the airport and our bags were weighed, they immediately told us that our baggage was way over the standard weight. We didn’t expect this to happen since while we were packing, we carefully checked that each bag was within the limit. The next thing we know, the guy in charge was giving hints to his real intention – asking for money. Desperate to end the discussion and move on with our flight, we gave in. Even in our last moments in Manila, we had to “feel” that we were still in Manila. Tsk tsk.

The next step was the immigration process where they check your passport. The funny thing was we were in a queue where the immigration officer was a woman in her menopausal stage with that wrinkled forehead and don’t-mess-up-with-me look in her face. The funny thing about it was just right in front of her and beside her pouting mouth was a sticker. It was a yellow smiley with the words SERVICE WITH A SMILE.

Finally, as we boarded the plane, I felt a strong relief that it was all over. I couldn’t help but laugh about what we’ve been through the entire day.

Probably, these things will only happen in Manila. They are not exactly great things or those that you look forward to each day. However, that makes Manila Manila and you just love it for its strange ways.

Well, I guess we won’t be seeing it for a while. Manila, I will definitely miss you!

Books

2007-07-31T20:48:00.000+08:00

A book is the only place in which you can examine a fragile thought without breaking it, or explore an explosive idea without fear it will go off in your face. It is one of the few havens remaining where a man's mind can get both provocation and privacy. ~Edward P. Morgan

"Yes or no? Nah," I told myself as I removed my books off the shelf one by one asking "Shall I leave this behind?" I had two piles - those that I will bring with me and those that I plan to leave behind to my younger cousins. After a dozen books, I knew that I was in for a problem. The pile "to bring" was way higher than the other pile...

Growing up with my strict grandparents, I was not usually allowed to go out and play with the neighbors. With nothing left to do, books became my refuge and my means of escape. Reading did not only nurture my knowledge but also quenched my thirst to explore beautiful cities, brought me to the glorious ancient times and allowed me to share thoughts with the best thinkers the world has ever known. Reading also allowed me to explore forbidden and dangerous realms - the mind of a genius-turned-madman, the dark alleys where thieves and prostitutes lurk...even the fiery pits of inferno. More than anything else, books brought out the "human" in me - it toyed with my temper, made we weep inconsolably, and gave me the courage to face another day...

I know every book of mine by its smell, and I have but to put my nose between the pages to be reminded of all sorts of things. ~George Robert Gissing

I started opening them one by one and it felt like the first time - the plastic wrap that was difficult to tear apart and the strange yet captivating smell of printed paper. Then, I would start reading and the first few lines will usually tell if it is going to be a good read...

Of course, most them had yellow pages already and that weird funky smell reminiscent of an old school library. The pages were quite brittle and almost fragile. They were like abandoned parents battered by age and hard work and longing for the love and care of their progeny. What an ungrateful child I am to leave them behind!

At that moment, I knew that I was bringing every single one of them along with me. For me, they all deserve a spot in my new shelf, wherever it may be.

Let your bookcases and your shelves be your gardens and your pleasure-grounds. Pluck the fruit that grows therein, gather the roses, the spices, and the myrrh. ~Judah Ibn Tibbon

Baggage Limit

2007-07-27T22:51:00.000+08:00

With only a few days left before we leave the country for Canada, I have been fixing and sorting my stuff - clothes, documents, awards, letters, and books. Though I knew from the start that sorting and selecting from a pile of more than twenty year's worth of things will be a daunting task, I never thought how difficult it would be to part with a lot of my things. To hell with the baggage limit!

The first set of clothes I bought with my first paycheck, the souvenir program of my first school play, the book that never fails to make me cry, the palanca letter written by the person i hated the most back in high school, and a whole lot more - for me, they were more than "things." They were snippets and fragments of my so-called life.

The set of clothes was not just that. It was happiness as I first spent my hard earned money. The souvenir program was dedication to what you were really passionate about. The book was vulnerability and a reminder that we are human after all. The palanca letter was the beauty of humility and the peace of mind and heart with forgiveness.

Unfortunately, the baggage limit knows no sentimental value. In the end, a lot of them will be left behind. In spite of this, while these things remind me of what my life has been like for the past twenty two years, leaving them behind will not erase a single memory. These things are only pathfinders in the vast terrains of our hearts and minds. Even without them, we will still be able to find our way around - reliving cherished moments in our lives one snippet at a time.

Diaspora

2007-07-11T16:56:00.000+08:00

The term diaspora (in Greek, διασπορά – "a scattering or sowing of seeds") refers to any people or ethnic population forced or induced to leave their traditional ethnic homelands; being dispersed throughout other parts of the world, and the ensuing developments in their dispersal and culture.

THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING CANADA.

These were the words that I immediately saw one November night when I got home from work. I couldn't have been wrong in reading this line. It was written in bold, all caps and was seen right away from our half-open door. After reading these words, I knew we will soon join the Filipino diaspora - where hundreds of Filipino families are leaving the country for greener pastures. It was a brochure from the Canadian embassy and together with it was our notice to take the medical exam - the only prerequisite left before we are issued our permanent resident visas.

There was a sudden surge of mixed emotions after I read the notice. I did not expect that we will still be getting word from the embassy after five years of waiting. Thus, I have already set my plans here and it seems that things are going quite well as planned.

For instance, I recently got promoted as a manager in my company, a reputable multinational firm, after only 7 months of training. I have also made a good number of friends in my new organization.

Moving to a new country, and a far more developed one at that, means having to start from scratch. It might also mean losing the opportunity to climb the corporate ladder faster as I might not be given the same "jump start" that I had here. With this in mind, I thought that it would be best for me to stay behind. Anyway, after getting my permanent resident card in Canada, I can immediately return and stay for 3 more years. The timing is just perfect as my 3 more years here in the Philippines will allow me to gather enough working experience to get a master's degree in a reputable Canadian university.

As expected, my family was not "buying" this plan of mine which made it more difficult for me to decide. At a point where I did not know which way to go, I asked for a sign. After this, sleepless nights followed. I couldn't put myself to rest as my mind was working nonstop - contemplating on the right thing to do.

The signs showed up as early as January the following year. My new job was more stressful than I expected it to be - hours of work way beyond the usual, a difficult boss and an unreasonable teammate. Moreso, I was starting to get bored with my job.

For a very passionate person like me, boredom is non-negotiable. In my perspective, the worst thing is engaging in a profession that one is not passionate about. It should not only be "ok" as this means that it could have been "better" or even "great" if only one had not been too "safe."

Faced with this problem, I took some time to reflect on what I really want. I was thinking of something that will make me wake up each morning with a smile in my face knowing that I will be doing something that I am crazy about?. Then, I remembered how I always enjoyed and excelled in leading school groups whenever we make presentations whether they be live or recorded. In fact, these presentations have often given my grades that much needed budge up the scale.

Since it looks like my thoughts were pointing towards a change of career, I knew that I had to take further studies to hone my craft. I could either take another bachelor's degree - this time in communication arts or get a special program that will give me hands-on training on the different forms of media. Of course, a big consideration in this endeavor is the availability of funds to finance my education.

As a permanent resident, I can take advantage of Canada's prestigious centers of learning through numerous scholarships and zero-interest loans given by the government. If I had stayed here in the Philippines, I would not have even considered studying again as an option given the financial constraints.

That was the only time that our move to Canada started to make sense. In fact, this change helped me in more ways than one. It opened a lot of questions and led me to the answers.

Diaspora is what they call the transfer of families to other countries for a better life. However, with what happened to me, it became a more meaningful word. To me, diaspora transcends countries, borders and nationalities. Diaspora is a turning point in one's life where he realizes what matters to him. Then he takes that different turn, no matter how difficult it may be to pursue his heart's desire.

Sipping Tea...again...

2006-12-10T00:28:00.000+08:00

At last, I will be posting another entry after more than a year of dormancy! This just shows that the past few months have been very busy - my last term in college, the board exams and my first taste of the corporate world.

Actually, it is not only blogging that I have neglected. My health became worse. I suddenly had the most painful stomachaches. The diagnosis - esophageal reflux disorder. Layman terms? Think of the borderline between heartburn and ulcer. Ouch! This meant sleepless nights, not to mention irritating as I could not resolve which position was most comfortable amidst the discomfort.

I also had the worst acne breakouts. Even during my puberty years or sleepless nights during my thesis or board exam review, I never had more than 2 or 3 big zits!!! It is quite ironic that now that I've started working for a beauty company called L'Oreal (and learned that washing is not enough - you need to cleanse, tone and moisturize/emulsify), my pimples started popping up one by one. The zits have been very resistant as well as they stood strong (and painfully red) even with all the sophisticated (...and expensive) skincare products I've been using.

I don't even have time for tea anymore (or for reading a book with it or moreso...reflecting). Only God knows the last time I did. The reason - it takes time to sip tea and I felt that I had simply no time to do so.

All these and a lot more - including time to spend for myself and with the people that matter in my life. The price to pay for succeeding - graduating with honors, passing the difficult board exams and getting an excellent appraisal and fast promotion at work.

Then, just a few days ago, I heard some tragic news about a batchmate. We were not particularly close but I guess we had our similarities - we were both ambitious. We were at our prime and fast approaching the apex of our professional careers. We were certified workaholics. Then, one tragic car accident ended everything.

Upon knowing this, I was shocked. I thought that it was truly a waste. He was young and clearly, a promising future was ahead of him. Then, I remembered myself. If I die later, could I say that my time here on earth was well spent?

After everything that happened, I decided to take a change in pace. Suddenly, I had the urgency to reconnect with friends and relatives. I took time to partake in relaxing activities (updating my blog included). More than anything else, my faith grew stronger.

While preparing and working hard for a better future is very important, I think it is also important to savor and experience the NOW. As they always say, it is not always about the destination for the journey also makes a worthwhile experience.

Now, I'm sipping tea again and reading a good book with it - For One More Day by Mich Albom. It is a book about lost time and how one man was given an opportunity to capture that lost moment and make the most out of what he used to take for granted. How appropriate!!! =)

Experimental

2005-08-12T23:45:00.000+08:00

Yup, I usually take my time to write just like I take my time in drinking my tea. I allow events to take place once more - at least on my mind - and take my time before I write the next few words just like in between sips of tea wherein I savor its simple taste and relaxing aroma before taking another sip or filling my tea cup with more.

Why do I love to write amidst my busy schedule just like I don't mind relaxing over tea on my desk where a pile of papers are waiting for me to work on? Perhaps, in writing I find solace that is hard to find in today's world. Everything seems to be too fast to a point that most things are taken for granted. Through writing, I am able to reconnect to my own true self. When I ponder on different thoughts, it seems that time suddenly slows down or is even put to a halt to give me that chance to see myself the way I easily see others.

Writing also gives me the opportunity to live a better life each day. When thoughts, from one's learnings to daily experiences to frailties uncovered, turn into written words, they seem to be ingrained in one's mind.

More than than anything else, writing allows me to capture a single moment of time. While events and experiences seem to be transient, they become permanent through written pieces whose words breathe out the same emotions and feelings felt at that point in time which allow one to relive that moment again.

Flying Without Pixie Dust

2005-07-10T13:07:00.000+08:00

It (flying) looked delightfully easy, and they tried it
first from the floor and then from the beds, but they always went down instead
of up.
"I say, how do you do it?" asked John, rubbing his knee. He was quite
a practical boy. "You just think lovely wonderful thoughts," Peter explained,
‘and they lift you up in the air.
-excerpt from J.M. Barrie's Peter Pan

We were supposed to talk about our thesis over donuts that day. However, due to the fact that we have been stressed for the past few days, we started talking about our own lives. Then, a question popped in my head. I asked everyone, "What is the happiest moment in your life so far that you think that you will recall that moment for the rest of your life - even to your last breath?"

We were all quiet for a moment - deeply thinking of an event in our life where we wished we had the power to stop time and get stuck in that moment forever. Then, I started to recall this very simple moment that happened a couple of years ago.

During that time, I still had this inferiority complex with my singing. I felt that no matter what I do, I would never measure up to everybody's expectations - including my own. I believe that this is a result of what happened back in high school. My best friend was one of the best singers not only in school but he also had the potential to sing professionally. Since we were often together, we were often compared to each other. Though I know that he is surely better than me, what bothered me most were the comments made by other people. "Si Karl na lang ang pakantahin." (Let Karl sing alone.) That really destroyed my self-esteem. It was good that Karl remained supportive and always believed in my talent. However, during those years, I lacked that passion and love for singing since I felt that I wasn't good enough.

When I reached my college years, I joined the DLSU Pops Orchestra and applied as their vocalist. Though I passed the stringent auditions, I went for "safe singing" by picking songs that were easy. All these ended during one night of our rehearsals. There was a concert to be held in Cavite the following day. The orchestra was trying to do a run through of all the songs without the vocalists first. During that time, we were trying to hum the tunes of the different songs. When the song "Kailangan Kita" was being played, I was singing it while my co-vocalist, Jho, listened to me. After singing the song, she told me that I could sing the song very well. Being the insecure person I am at that time, I dismissed her compliment as mere flattery.

Then, bad news came. Mark, who was assigned to sing "Kailangan Kita" made a last minute apology that he could not join the concert for tomorrow since he was not excused by his professor. After this, everybody was panicky and worried. "Who will sing the song then," the conductor said in a very worried tone. Then, Jho stood up and said that I could sing the song. Then, the conductor immediately signalled the orchestra and told me that we will give it a try. I apologized beforehand to everybody in case I can't sing the song well.

Then before I knew it, I was already in the climax of the song and I was quite amazed that I was able to sing the high registers with quite ease. I was surprised to know what I can actually do and I thought that I could achieve more things if I learn to believe in myself more.

When the song ended, the conducter was satisfied and even told me why I was hiding that voice all along. Then, the orchestra looked towards me and gave me a round of applause and their nod of approval. Our section head, Bloss, gave me hug and thanked me for saving the day.

That moment in my life opened new doors for me. I was given more challenging tasks in the orchestra - not only in singing but in also leading the group. Moreover, it also paved the way for me to explore a possible career in singing.

Whenever I recall that night, I can't help but smile. That night, I regained my self-confidence and started to believe in myself. I guess this means that we should not be bound by what other people think of us for there is no better person who knows us than ourselves. Know your abilities and let them take you to your dreams and aspirations.

That, so far, is one of the happiest moment in my life. Whenever I feel sad or depressed, I think of that moment and suddenly, I feel like I can fly...even without pixie dust. ;-)

My Second Shot at Life

2005-06-26T01:55:00.000+08:00

(Note: Tonight, I can't sleep and I don't know why considering that I'm really tired. I tried to count sheep, yet, to no avail (and already on my 101st sheep), I can't seem to close my eyes for even a second. Then, I started having thoughts of what happened to my life for the past few days. So, I decided to update my blog to give you guys an update of the different events that took place in my life for the past few weeks)

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
-Churchill-

Just a few weeks ago, I thought it was the end of my life. It was a typical day. I woke up early to have a workout in the gym since I haven't done this for quite some time due to my very busy schedule. In the middle of the workout, I felt terribly exhausted. I decided to stop and have a relaxing shower at home. As I was about to leave, things started to turn blurry. My head was aching and I was starting to lose my balance while I was walking. As I left the gym, I felt that I could no longer walk back home. I decided to look for the nearest restaurant to have something to eat thinking that this will solve my problem. As I was about to enter the restaurant, my vision started to pixelize and darkness fell over the place. I suddenly felt a very sharp pain in my head and the last thing I remembered was uttering the words "Lord, I don't want to die, yet." After that, I lost my consciousness.

The next thing I know, people were surrounding me and checking if I was alright. I woke up with a heavy feeling in my head. Just when I thought everything was over, the sharp pain went back and I tried to sit down in one corner. While sitting down and while my vision was still blurry, I was watching the people passing by the street. Then, I started talking to God. I uttered these words:

Lord thank you for giving me a wonderful life - great family and loyal
friends. Thank you also for giving me many talents and skills that have
helped me throughout my life. If this is my time to leave this earthly
life, then I leave my life unto Your hands. Thank you for giving me this
shot at life. My experience here on earth has been full of challenges
and struggles and yet, I always emerged victorious through hard
work,answered prayers and the support of my loved ones. Prepare me
Lord to face You in case this is really my time. I ask for forgiveness
for all my sins. Let me meet you with a pure and chaste heart.

I uttered these words, surprisingly, in a very calm way considering my painful condition. Just when I thought that a precious vein had erupted (which meant instant death in most cases), the pain slowly went away. My vision went back to normal and the first thing I saw were the skies. They were especially beautiful that day. The clouds created a weird yet enlightening formation that I can't explain. Then as the clouds moved, the sun suddenly gave a strong burst of its light. It was simply breathtaking. I felt better than ever and walked home as if nothing actually happened that day.

Sometimes, we have these turning points in our lives that we can't totally comprehend. Only time will tell what this experience really means to me. However, one thing is for sure. I consider this experience a wake-up call amidst my busy and stressful life. Sometimes, I get too busy that I forget the essentials of life - God, my family and friends and His awesome creations. Moreover, this experience allowed me to plan my life. It raised the question - What is my real purpose in life? Perhaps, I did not die that day since God has something more in store for me. Maybe, God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself. Through constant prayers and by keeping an open ear and heart to God, I know that I will soon know the role I have to play on this earth.

I felt that through this experience, I was given another shot at life. I felt that I was reborn to be a better person. This experience made me value life knowing that it can be taken away from me in an instant. As they say, Carpe Diem! Seize the day!

Enjoy every minute. There's plenty of time to be dead.
-Anonymous-

First Day Tidbits

2005-05-24T23:03:00.000+08:00

Yes, you're reading the date right. It's only May and yet, classes have started in De La Salle University-Manila. So while everybody else is still sunbathing on the beach or staying lazily at home, it's back to school for Lasallians. I've decided to give you a glimpse of some thoughts I had in my first few days in school...

***

Don't judge a book by its cover.

It was one of my accounting classes when I was surprised to see who entered in our classroom and went to the middle of the platform. He was a lean guy with almost unruly long hair (almost since he had at least a ponytail). He was wearing a checkered polo shirt about three times his right size and a pair of blue jeans. He gave a flashy smile as he entered the classroom and asked everybody to stand for prayers.

No, he can't be the professor for this class, I told myself. He resembled someone who would typically fix your broken computer at home. All he needed was a screwdriver in his right hand and voila! You could go on saying, "Manong nagka virus po. Can you fix it?" No wonder we heard some giggles when he actually told the class that he actually dreamt of being a computer engineer before.

When I thought that having a professor like him was a surprise enough for all of us, I was wrong. While introducing himself, he gave his credentials and by golly, we were totally surprised. He was Mr. CPA with all the acronyms that you can think of following his name (e.g. Samuel Santos, CPA, CMA, CISA, CFA, etc. etc.). In other words, he is very much qualified to teach this subject since he has passed many internationally recognized exams not to mention that these exams are quite notorious for their very low passing rates. Moreover, we were also awed at the fact that he worked for the top companies in the Philippines. First, he was with SGV, the largest auditing firm in the country and after a successful stint transferred to SMART Telecoms, the largest mobile telecommuncations provider in the country. He gave a rough description of the subject and it actually sounded like he knew what he was talking about.

It all boils down to this. Don't judge a book by its cover. There is more to a person than his or her outside appearance. However, another thought comes to mind. Image is also important. One may be the most qualified person to talk about a certain subject but his or her looks may tell otherwise. No wonder business suits were invented.

***

Good things, when short, are twice as good.
-Gracian-

A lecture in 30 minutes? It has never been done before and it was just done a while ago in my strategic management class. According to some of my seatmates who had this professor during the previous term, the professor would consistently lecture for a few minutes and leave the rest of the time for students to do whatever they want.

Yet those 30 minutes were worth my while (and my parents' money as well) since I was able to get a good understanding of the topic. Brief but full of important details. During the entire thirty minutes, my attention was focused on the professor. It was just enough to keep my attention going because probably, after those thirty minutes, the professor's words would turn into unidentifiable babbles while I busily scribble some stick figures in my notebook to ease my boredom.

Researches show that the average attention span of young adults and teenagers is 13-14 minutes. Imagine!!! Of course, that's only the average and I strongly believe that mine is above the average.

Thus, the length of one's lecture does not measure how much one learns in a subject. In fact, what is the value of one's lecture when nobody listens or people are only pretending to listen but really can't absorb anything?

Same thing applies to life. We feel that we need to do a lot of things and yet when we take a second look, the essentials are only a few. Sometimes, when these things pile up, we end up not accomplishing anything at all. Perhaps, we must concentrate on these essentials and life would not be so complicated as it seems.

***

The Real ME

2005-05-22T23:54:00.000+08:00

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
-Reflections from Mulan-

Last Saturday, May 21, our group, the De La Salle University Pops Orchestra performed at Malabon City in celebration of its 406th year. It was a big event and the concert was a success. After the concert, we were given something to eat. During this time, I was with an alumna of Pops. She has been a good friend for quite some time so it was normal for her to share some stories with me. After all, we haven't seen each other for quite some time. Well, she's a lesbian and openly admits to be one. I have nothing against this since I believe that one's biological appearance should not limit one's sexual orientation. After all, love knows no gender.

However, what bothers me is that everytime she would share something about her relationships, she would expect me to share something in return. In other words, she thinks that I'm not straight and that I'm just hiding my true self from her and from everybody else. Everytime she would do this, I just keep my silence and try to change the topic. Probably, she thinks that this is a sign of guilt- that I am in fact what she thinks I am and I just don't have the courage to tell her or anybody.

If only she knew the reason why I always try to evade the issue. I do this simply because it only reminds me of the painful things that happened in the past. Wounds that have not yet healed. The healing process is always hampered by new wounds - more insensitive jokes, gossips, and other acts of discrimination. What's worse, she has been a part of this painful experience.

When I was a new member in the orchestra, I was quite positive about my stay in the organization thinking that this will open many opportunities for me to learn and harness my craft. Yet, I had my fears. I was (and I am still) effeminate and I feel that people would not understand that in order for one to be man, one need not be a basketball addict or say pare, chong, and curses instead of "I love shopping!." This was the reason why I was very quiet during my first year of stay in the group. In spite of this, I already felt the discrimination early on. Whenever we had rehearsals, I would see my fellow vocalists (inclduing this pop alumna) whispering to each other while looking at me. Afterwards, they would giggle. They laugh at the fact that I have my own pack of Kleenex tissues and that I have a pack of oil clear sheets. They gossip at why I am not so girl crazy and shout CHICKS! whenever a group of beautiful girls would pass by. The feeling was horrible. I would go home and cry in the shower. I felt that I wasn't accepted and that winning their respect was a distant dream. I really intended to leave the group the following school year. However, what made me decide to stay was my love for music. I knew that I was not sacrificing my passion for music just to avoid them. Moreso, I had no intentions to change myself just to fit to their standards.

After 2 more years of stay in the organization, I have always thought that I have won the respect of the members. I was able to show them that I truly have talent and that I deserve to stay in the organization. Soon, this pop alumna became my friend. We would hang out together and would even exchange jokes. I thought that everything was over. I was wrong.

It seems that my effeminacy is a lifelong curse. People will judge me easily for the way I speak and for my actions as well. I can't blame them. Despite the fact that we are in the new millenium, we still live in a society of stereotypes. Men should be like this while women should be like that. Everyone must be boxed by this standard lest they face rejection and discrimination. I am straight but I feel that same way as gays and lesbians do. I experience the same painful and humiliating experiences. I experience the same discrimination and rejection.

In spite of this, I am not willing to change to fit society's mold. By being in touch with my feminine side, I get the best of both worlds. Through my humiliating experiences, I show more compassion to gays and lesbians since I know what they feel when people ridicule or judge them. Just like the yin and yang, there is harmony in the combination of two extremes. After all, God himself has no gender and we are all created in His image. Thus, man, like God, can't be defined or limited by human descriptions. This is the real ME and I would like people to accept me for

who I really am.

I am Jigs. Straight but in touch with my femine side. I'm not asking you to completely understand me. All I'm asking for is some respect. Stop the insensitive jokes and giggles and start knowing the real me. Perhaps, next time, I must tell her all this. Hopefully then, these wounds will start to heal.

What's in Store For Me

2005-05-18T22:28:00.000+08:00

Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between
the notes and curl my back to loneliness.
- Maya Angelou

Just a few days ago, I got an audio CD copy of our major concert last March 12, 2005. Being the perfectionist that I am, I listened to every song that I sang and took note of every note. I was glad that I was able to get most of them right! However, of all the songs I sang in the concert (and I can also proudly say that of all the songs I heard on the CD), I would have to say that the best for me was my duet with Cathy. We sang Kyla and Gary V.'s version of Sana Maulit Muli. Though my other songs sounded ok, this song was different because everytime I would listen to it, I usually have the chills and goosebumps. The song was heartfelt and our interpretation emphasized the strong emotions portrayed in the song. It was as if the song was our story. Perhaps, this quote would be appropriate to what I felt about this song:

Music is the divine way to tell beautiful, poetic things
to the heart.
- Pablo Casals

Upon hearing the song, I texted Cathy at once and thanked her because I believe that the song wouldn't have been successful without her angelic voice. After "flattering" each other through text, I told her about my feelings whenever I hear the song. I told her about my constant desire to sing and be on stage. Whenever I get on stage, hit the notes, and hear the applause of the crowd, I always get this unexplainable feeling of joy. There isn't a day that would pass where I wasn't able to hum a tune. Even a bad cold or a sore throat can't stop me. I even sing when I cry. Singing has become my passion and obsession. And yet, I'm confused. Soon I will be graduating and a few months after that, I will be taking the board exams. Though I know that I have a good chance of getting a good and well-paying job after graduation, I'm not quite sure if I will feel the same sense of fulfillment in that work as the one I feel everytime I sing. Now, I'm so confused. After sharing this with her, she sent me this text message:

"Did you know that when we go to heaven, all we are left to do there is to worship God in different ways. Satin siyempre through singing. Malay mo God has instored for you a special place in heaven which is to lead other Christians in worship. Earth is just a training ground for eternity. All we have to do is to think BIG. Jigs, God, sees your heart. He knows your desires because he was the one who put that desire in you. Seek him and slowly, in time, He'll reveal to you His purpose. Baka nga music."

That text message almost left me in tears. That moment, God spoke to me and Cathy was His instrument. Yes, that message gave me the answer or at least gave me a clue on the question that has bothered me for quite some time. God is the source of this desire and I know that in due time, I will find his real purpose for me. Everything shall happen in His time. In the meantime, I am determined to finish my studies and to pass the board exams after which I plan to explore if I can establish a singing career. If it works then well and good. If it doesn't then I will accept it and explore my other capabilities. For now, I am doing my best in my studies and I also allot a certain time each day to rehearse. After all, it is only right that I develop this God-given talent.

Music, the greatest good that mortals know and all of heaven we have
hear below.
- Joseph Addison